Women, vivid imagination, imagination that makes things spring into life almost immediately. Women. Complicating.

Stop looking back.

I sincerly hope that this very 3rd camera will not be damaged, again, in the hands' of others.

Several days into feeling achey and pissed off and stuck in some bizarre inbetween, and then yesterday it sparked off again, in a very half-hearted kind of way, before finally, it once more, stopped. Then today, it almost came back. But it has never been anyone else's fault except mine, or, it's just me. This gets tiresome, whenever things are particularly messy inside my head, it manifests itself in other insidiously physical ways. Amazing huh, times of stress, or upset, or just any one of those crappy feelings... It's Just Me.

Two years ago this month I was just beginning to spiral into emotional breakdown. And now two years on, I hope to say I'm getting on quite well? But the past one week hasn't really been nice or anything good considering that I've lost my voice, yet I would say that the company of friends and boyfriend and CG mates and meeting up of old friends over the past week made things a little better. Thanking God for bringing us through crucial period O's and allowing some of us to meet our academic targets and even for all who didn't manage to, I know there's nothing to fret and worry cause He has a purpose and plan for each and every single one of us. God is good. All the time.

I forget, sometimes, that my life, as in the way that I choose to live it, is very, very different from the lives of almost everyone I know. Lately there are crystalline moments from far back in my memory, like things that for years have been forgotten, they are all floating to the surface, popping up from nowhere. It's strange, because the things one's brain holds onto is, although hidden at the back of our mind, it's still there.

One of the best nights in the longest time.

3 weeks of going out in morning and back home at 10.30pm or later.
I'm drained? And there's more to come.

Sun, Dec. 13th, 2009, 10:21 pm
wonderchance: Jace,


I know you think forever is a big word,
But, i hope you remember this,
I will love you, always.

'You can't lose what you don't have'
Current Mood: touched


PS: Sorry I forgot to call you after I was done with my shower! When I did, you fell asleep already I think. Sorry!

Feel so lost tonight.

My now-impossible-to-ever-end distrust of you is evident only because you once treated me so carelessly, in a way that even now, it tastes only of deliberateness on your part. Though I could no longer feel the sting of that, you are a story I can and still tell (when others ask) with nothing greater overflowing in me other than just a wry self-deprecating smile, a sip of bitter laughter. But, nothing more or stronger. Although I would still wrap you up inside my arms and hold you there, but I know there are things in me that you can no longer touch. It's somehow sad in me, but it's the truth. Right now I can only send you occasional kind words and a soft sweet smile. Maybe I could tell you truths but they would be mild and incomplete. 09 has been a year of fast and slow, and basically everything has changed but then again, nothing really has because it could be very true that I have never really rooted someone so dear, out of my life, not at all. 09, a year so filled with strangeness that, if I were to tell the happenings and stories now, I would find myself pausing in total disbelief, but I have never been so happy with what I truly have now than ever before. I feel so blessed. :)

Philippians 4:6-7
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Sometimes it's such unyielding chaos that it hurts to keep my vision focused.... because I used to place myself in the palm of her hand, eyes closed, and she could crush and drop me. Break me. But this is the past.

Some time last week, I was told that that faith is what I'm lacking. And so I believe that if there is a way to make myself to live in faith, then I would find some measure of internal peace. There is no graceful way to disagree with that. I can wrap my mind around the potential reality of all of it, which means that none of it is sacred. How true? The thing I'm most afraid of is myself.

Life now is busy. But definitely worth living.

When asked do I feel touched, I asked myself, over and over again, do I? Probably, but I really don't know, I probably wouldn't say a definite yes. So the O's been over for a week now but it feels like months already I feel like taking back my results nowwwww I hate the idea of going out nowadays hmmm December is gonna be busy busy month with all the commitments sigh somehow I think I like studying better.

It's going to begin in 34 hours and end in approximately 443 hours. I can already start counting down the days till the end of O's with my fingers and toes.
I think I have absolute no life now all for the sake of this when it's only one of the minor exams in life...? That when people who have been through this would actually look back and simply say, "it's no kick".

...ORDINARY LEVEL exam.

Yeah. And I can't stop thinking about us, and the bridge, and us being bridged? Linked? Meet? Going deep? Play?
It's gonna be all over again.

Sixteen days sixteen days sixteen days?!!!??
I'm think I'm retreating back to my shell.